Thank you all for the nice comments. You all really made me smile when I woke up this morning.
I'm just in a bad place.
I lost another ten pounds. I was so happy that I gained weight about a week and a half ago, now it's gone and then some.
I didn't realize that my endocrinologist was running tests for some progressive, fatal diseases.
I've tried to stay oh-so-positive about whatever it is.
That it sucks, but when they find it everything will go back to normal!
But now I'm scared that won't be the case.
And I just can't do anything about it.
I get to wait.
Lose more weight.
Get anxious.
Get scared.
I'm not ready to be in this place. I'm young, I'm a newlywed, I've got a slew of animals that should be around for the next 15 years and really need their mom. I want to have kids, or adopt kids. I want to travel.
I want to live.
Thinking about it isn't doing me good, I know.
But I can't help it.
Comments (6)
How can you NOT think about it! Is it a pretty enough day to go outside and walk a little bit? Appreciate the sunshine and the fact your hubby loves you?
It's understandable, and as Danni said, really hard NOT to think about these things. I've found that I actually need to wallow once in a while, it helps me process as long as I am careful to stop after a certain time.
If you haven't, yet, check your xanga mail. I'm here for you if you need it!
I'm sorry you're facing some scary things. I think I've just had to remind myself that those progressive, fatal things are still less likly than the still rare non deadly sort. I have a family history of huntington disease and every time I get dropsy, have vivid hallucinations, brain fog, exibit personality characteristics that aren't much like the me I've grown to know, have unexplained joint and muscle pains and loss of strength (I have more than one of those things going on 24/7 these days) I have to wonder... wonder if that is what I have. The typical life span after diagnosis is 8-15 years. It usually ends in a care facility with denensia, the inability to walk, mania, lots of pain, and complete loss of who you once were and who the people are that you love. Of course thats a thought I don't want to have slide in because it is a sure death sentence and I have a husband who loves me and 2 small children that are 100% dependent on me (not to mention my genetics that could assign them the same fate). I've come to terms with the slight possibility of it dictating my future but no one can come to terms with that diagnosis until it has been assigned. Don't try to wrap your mind around the diagnosis until you have one! Believe me, I know how hard it is not to think about it but, distraction and investment in the positive parts of your life are the best medicine for you in this moment.
::HUG:: I understand how you feel. It's hard to keep positive when things are so dreary. Just remember all the people that love & stick by you, that should help a little. =D
-->MiNA<3
Hey...unlike me, you should stay away from the scales until you have a dx and can do something about your weight. Let the docs weigh you and then leave it alone. I say that only because it is bound to make you feel bad, and you feel bad enough already! You are def on my visit-everyday list.